Commiseration Corner: Week One

Welcome back to the Commiseration Corner, where fantasy football is pain. If you won your week one matchup, go talk about it where somebody cares, we’re here to feel sorry for ourselves.

Ja’Marr Chase - 3 Points

Two catches for twelve yards. That was the statline for the number one receiver off the board in 2026. It’s not like Joe Burrow wasn’t throwing the ball, or even that the Bengals didn’t look good. He just didn’t throw the ball to Ja’Marr. This is probably a fluke, we’ve seen this sort of thing happen with the Bengals early in the season before, but you can never be too sure. Might as well trade him for Jalen Coker just to be safe.

Colston Loveland - 0 Points

Ah yes, just how we drew this one up. Everybody in the world expected the Chicago Bears to break scoring records in week one and for their best player to be completely left out of the equation. It’s like Walter Payton in Super Bowl XX, he was just a decoy. I’m sure in your fantasy lineups Colston Loveland acted as a decoy for a real football player too.

George Pickens - 5 Points

I already talked about this guy on the podcast, but I have to put it into writing too. George Pickens might be the most mentally weak professional football player I have ever seen. Every once in a while, you get receivers who are beaten so badly by a DB that they have no choice but to try and punch a man in a metal and hard plastic helmet. Pickens is no stranger to this, he crashes out and makes himself completely irrelevant because of it multiple times a year, probably more than any other receiver in football. On Sunday Night against the Giants, you would think that after having a tough night, he would end a close game against a divisional rival with something like that. Nope. He just quits. He stopped running routes. He stopped blocking. He had a chance to make a positive impact on that game, and after dropping a deep fade he just looked like a 5 year old who got all of his Hot Wheels donated to Goodwill. Why did I draft the NFL’s biggest headcase?

James Cook - 8 Points

Imagine being the NFL’s rushing champ and then coming out in your first game the next season and only rushing for 57 yards. Couldn’t be me. That’s mostly because I’m not a good enough athlete to be anywhere near these guys, but it sucks for fantasy football. The Texans defense is known for being able to stop the run so I’m not super concerned, more bummed.

Rico Dowdle - 3 Points

If you drafted a Steelers RB this year, you did it based on the great run that Jaylen Warren and Kenneth Gainwell had to end the season in 2025. Rico Dowdle, who we’ve seen do a lot with a little, looked like he was going to replace Gainwell as the passing down back and work some of his Rico magic. You wanted a running back that could lead the team in receiving while still getting reasonable work on the ground? Too bad, you get 21 yards combined. To be fair, the Steelers looked like they were only moving the ball by accident on Sunday, and were trying to lose, so maybe that’s just going to be the way it is in Pittsburgh this year.

Harold Fannin Jr. - 4 Points

So you tied yourself to the Browns passing game and thought you could get away with it. Don’t forget, drafting a Browns receiver is drafting Deshaun Watson himself, and I’m not going to feel sorry for you when this happens. To quote my close personal friend M. Shadows: You should have known the price of evil, and it hurts to know that you belong here. Still, this blog is about commiseration and feeling sorry for ourselves, so I’m going to say that your feelings are valid, and I’m sorry that happened.

Kyle Pitts Sr. - 0 Points

Remember when this guy finished as the TE2 last year and absolutely nobody stood on the table for him to be worth drafting in 2026? You are the one person who thought it was going to be different this time. Most of us realized that we can’t blame Kyle Pitts long ago. If you drafted this guy, you can only blame yourself. Then again, if he catches three TDs on a Thursday Night again you’ll be the one getting the last laugh. That’s what you should really be thinking about.

Marshawn Lloyd - 3 Points

It’s a tale as old as time: An NFL star gets arrested and charged with domestic battery. You draft his backup thinking that the criminal justice system will hold this guy accountable and the NFL will do the right thing and keep him out of the game. That backup then is completely ineffective while that aforementioned star has all of his legal troubles magically disappear, and you’re stuck holding the bag for a running back that nobody wants. You thought it would be different this time? Welcome to football, we all fall for it every time.

Quinshon Judkins - 6 Points

Speaking of guys with a history of domestic abuse, this week we saw QJud get abused by the Jaguars. If there are any hapless fanbases in the NFL with nothing to hang their hats on other than a history of horrible management decisions and only fleeting moments of relevance, the Browns are obviously the worst, but it’s almost poetic to see them get absolutely demolished by the Jaguars, who are also historically ass. I only wish they would have been wearing their cheetah print pants for this one.

Jake Ferguson - 2 Points

I’m not even sure what to say at this point. You drafted this guy hoping he would perform the way he did when CeeDee Lamb was hurt last season, and then you play him when CeeDee Lamb very clearly is not hurt. What were you expecting? Were you banking on CeeDee getting injured again? What kind of monster roots for injuries? That’s sick. Be better.

Terry McLaurin - 3 Points

Scary Terry looks like he might have fumbled away his career at this point while trying to get paid. He holds out in 2025 because he thinks he should be the highest paid WR in football. He misses camp, is ineffective when he does play because of it, and then gets hurt and misses most of the season. Now, he’s healthy and has been replaced at the top of the pecking order by an elderly Stefon Diggs. If you don’t want your career to evaporate, then the only thing you need to do is get the hell away from DC. I can only think of one professional athlete over the last decade or two in Washington who has had a successful career without moving away to get it, and he’s a Russian hockey player. I haven’t seen Heated Rivalry, so if there’s a funny reference I should be making here, I urge you to mentally insert it yourself as I am incapable.

Bo Nix - 3 Points

I thought Nix was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else but not for me. Bo was out to get me. That’s the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw his face, now I’m a Bo-liever! Just kidding, I’m not. The Chiefs made him look like Deshaun Watson out there. It was bad and embarrassing. Go get Tyler Shough. Now THAT’S a quarterback.

Omarion Hampton - 7 Points

No matter what, we will always have the six games in 2025 where Omarion Hampton was fantasy relevant. Cherish those memories in your heart, because this Chargers team just got shut down by the Arizona Cardinals. Of all the Cardinals sports teams out there, that might be the hardest one to get shut down by. It was looking exciting when Omarion had a touchdown early, but little did we know that would be the only relevant play he would have all day. The hype train has derailed.

Tony Pollard - 4 Points

You can’t seriously have actually drafted this guy on purpose, right? You know what team he plays for, and you still took him? He’s gonna average like 5 yards a game on like 20 touches. Football in Nashville has been dead for decades. There is no hope here.

Jaylen Waddle - 1 Point

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. And he waddled away, Waddle Waddle.

Now that we’ve all had a good cry and have spent some time feeling sorry for ourselves, get up and start doing something about it. PUT YOURSELF TOGETHER AND MAKE SOMETHING OF YOUR LIFE! It’s week 2, ACT LIKE IT! Hope you all have better luck this time around.